Many of you may know, or not know, but I spent all four years in college working with an amazing therapist. C was a pyschotherapist and helped me get to the root of any issues and learn how to cope with them. After my boyfriend had passed away suddenly in 2008 followed by a slew of other losses, I started to see C at least once a week and work through coping with my grieving in a healthy way. When I called him on Friday, he reminded me of all the activities and coping mechanisms that we had used. One thing that I had forgotten about was how much he encouraged me to write. So here I am back to writing again.
I forgot... how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning, how I have to give myself a pep talk to get up and start my day, how I have to actually think about what I need to do to get ready for the day: shower, get dressed, brush my teeth.
I forgot... how my short memory seems to have disappeared. Did I remember to turn off my straightener? Did I actually brush my teeth? Did I send that email? Did I remember my laptop for the office?
I forgot... how much I hate unsolicited advice. I hate when people want to give words of support, words of wisdom, words of how it will get better. I just want to yell how I'm not okay. I'm not happy. I'm hurting inside. I'm doing the best I can right now.
I forgot... how suffocating the pain is when you realize he's gone, how you feel like you can't breathe, how you want to curl up in a ball and hide.
I forgot... how hard it is to focus. I constantly have to ask myself "what was I just doing? what do I need to do next?"
I forgot... how hard it is to function in the real world.
But I remember that I can do this. I am strong. I will get through. It all takes time. So now I wait...