Monday, January 20, 2014

A Week Ago Today


A week ago today... I got ready for work like I always do. I packed my breakfast and lunch. And started my car before brushing my teeth to head to the office.

A week ago today... I took the back roads to the office like I do every day, where I always passed the house that was known as "Grandpa's," but my uncle had inherited it and lived it in all his life.

A week ago today... I passed the house, but there were cop cars and an ambulance with closed doors in the driveway. So I turned around.

A week ago today... I pulled into the driveway and went running into the garage of the house and up the stairs that led to the kitchen that used to feel like a place of comfort.

A week ago today... I walked into the kitchen with no lights on and more police officers than I could count. I could hear my aunt in the living room. Who are you? one of them asked. I'm Kelly's niece. Is that my aunt in there? I replied. Yes, do you want to go in and console her? he said. My pause in replying prompted more from him. Kelly passed away this morning, he said. And I dropped to the kitchen floor. Shaking and crying and shaking. I repeated no, until one of the police officers lifted me to my feet and brought me to the living room. I cried in my aunt's arms. And didn't stop shaking for a long time.

A week ago today... I called my office in hysterics, barely able to utter the words of what happened. Then I had to call M to break the news to him. And even he couldn't believe what I was saying. He left work immediately.

A week ago today... I watched truck after truck pull into the driveway. His friends. His second family.

A week ago today... I called my parents who were on vacation in California to tell them the news.

A week ago today... I watched grown men cry. I sobbed hysterically begging my parents' to come home from their vacation, something that they never did. I tormented on how I would tell my baby sister. I couldn't make a decision on if M should come to the house or not.

A week ago today... we waited for the medical examiners to do their job. For the police officers to ask us questions. For them to search the house.

A week ago today... I helped plan a wake and a funeral. I drafted an obituary. I started collecting phone numbers and notes for a eulogy I didn't know how to write. How do you put into words what an amazing man he was?

A week ago today... my world fell apart. A person who was my rock, my confidante, my best friend, my uncle left the earth too soon. And I still don't understand why.

A week ago today... my heart broke, and I keep asking to go back in time because I don't want any of this. I just want him here.

Today, my body still shakes uncontrollably when the shock of what has happened sets in. I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my body from shaking. Today, I wish I could turn back time. Today, I wonder about how to move forward in life. Today, I try to keep smiling. Today, I try to make sure I get out of bed. Today, I try to remember why having a job and doing work is important. Today, I'm still broken inside. Today, isn't any better than the last because the reality of this is the same. The world, and I, have lost an amazing man who can never be replaced.
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13 comments:

Natalie said...

I am so sorry for your loss Amanda... I will be praying for you and your family.

J and A said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Mademoiselle Michael said...

Oh, sweet friend. There are no words. Sending love and light, and more love, your way. Xxxx

Ashley @ The Sweet Life said...

So, so sorry that this happened friend. My heart is heavy for you. I will be thinking about you and sending up prayers. Hugs!

Claire said...

This post gave me chills, Amanda! I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'll be praying for you and your family.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry for your loss!! No words can ever take away the pain but know your uncle is looking down from heaven on you and is now your guardian angel!

Tyly said...

I have no adequate words, so all I will say is that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Leigh said...

So sorry for your loss! Sending you lots of hugs

Caitlin C. said...

Praying, praying, praying for you. Stay strong, sweet girl...

TiffanyClark said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm definitely praying for you and your family!

Brooke Hamilton said...

So sorry Amanda. I'm thinking about you and your family.

Marjorie said...

Oh my, how awful. Don't have any words, but I'm thinking about you.

Krista said...

I'm so sorry Amanda. My hearts breaks for you! Praying for you my dear.