Tuesday, October 16, 2012

On Envy in Running

It's in the air. It's in the trees. It's even in the pavement. Perfect running weather has arrived. And with that comes the arrival of one of the most famous marathons in the world. The world. (Yes, this is about to be a dramatic, yet truthful post.) And when I started training back in July, I couldn't believe I was living out a life-long dream this year.

August 18 was the last time I went for a run. That's 59 days ago. Or 8 weeks. Or 1,392 hours. Or over 5 million seconds. That's not so bad, you might think. Wrong. Not in my mind. For someone who loves running, who's passionate about lacing up my shoes at any hour in any climate, it's not okay.

M's already faced the wrath that is Amanda when she's ordered to rest. And although I appear positive on the outside, on the inside I'm battling something major: envy.


It almost figures that envy is literally in my bones; my stress reaction-ed cuboid bone to be exact. I have a bitterness inside me that I do not like. And though I appear chipper about this injury, I am not. Every time I read a tweet about someone running NYCM, there's a stir in my bones that I do not enjoy being present. And as much as I fight the reality that this year wasn't my year, I'm envious of all my running friends who get to conquer the 26.2 miles, no matter whether it's their first time or fifth.

It pains me that I feel this way because I am not this person. I am positive, look-on-the-bright-side type of girl, so if you ask me what happened to my foot you'll get the:

"It's a stress fracture...from running. I was training for the New York City Marathon. Don't worry, I get to run it next year!" But even as I smile through my teeth and feel frustrated with every stare, every question, every look of pity, the reality is: it's not that bad. And thus I feel guilty for whining about how hard this has been for me because it could be a hell of a lot worse.

So how did I get to this post where I'm sharing about my frustrations with the lack of running? How did I come to admit that I'm battling envy? Because I'm bringing back the focus in my blog.

Meg wrote this post about what blogging has become, and it hit home. My dear friend and I email back and forth about how important actually writing is. Ruthie and TV always seems to share those deep posts that you walk away from doing some self reflection. So after reading Whitney's honest and beautifully written post that I discovered thanks to Sarah, how could I not start re-evaluating my blog? Or more importantly, this young woman behind the blog?

And there you have it. I'm battling envy lately, and now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'm feeling a little better. 

Do you battle envy? 

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17 comments:

Taryn said...

I battle envy in running very much so. I have dreams of taking my running to the next level (marathons, half marathons,etc) but have not stopped to really make it a reality and push past my plateaus. I have also been thinking a lot about my blog and my post later today touches on some of the blog struggles I have. Just know that even though you're not running the marathon this year, you're still a lot further on your way than most (I.e, me)!

Adam said...

I let envy bite me hard before, so I try to distance myself from it.

Ruthie Hart said...

Absolutely I do. It is nuts how bad envy can run so deep, even about the littlest/most random things. I am praying that I can continue to see God's glory through the things I am envious of. And I am glad you are taking your time, even if you are dying to get back to running. Rest up and let your fracture heal!! One thing we do NOT have in common is running :-) but I still love you!

Dayna Leigh said...

Envy is a natural feeling every single human being feels at some point. It's hard to be taken away from something that you care about, even temporarily, but you grow from it. When you're able to finally run the NYCM, I guarantee you'll have more appreciation for it than you would have had this year. You've gone this long toughing the fracture out, you'll be back to running in no time! Stay that positive woman you know you are, let the envy be there and let it push you to become an even greater runner than before! Love you!

Krista said...

Of course! To choose joy over envy is a conscious decision, and a tough one at times. Hang in there Amanda, this one bout of envy does not keep you from being a positive and uplifting woman.

Shannon Marie said...

This is my first day back into the blog world in months.. but I can totally relate to this. I haven't been able to run since late-March, when I was having a lot of pain in my knee. The doctor told me to take 6 months off to see if time would heal the injury rather than surgery. And what do you know, exactly 6 months after this I have a terrible cough. I totally relate... but rest in the fact that letting your body heal itself is going to make your next marathon that much more enjoyable. Sending you happy thoughts - You're not alone! XO

Brooke Houston said...

Sure I do. I believe everyone battles envy with one thing or another. I deal with it by being envious, then quickly rethinking my life and how I can change it. Envy is just something you gotta deal with. Sorry bout the foot friend. If it makes you feel better, I haven't been running...at all. :)

Jenny said...

Envy can eat you alive..just try and stay positive because soon you will be able to hit the pavement again. REST and let it heal completely so you can run it next year.

Kelly said...

How true! We all Harbour a certain amount of envy inside, even if we're positive on the outside. It's completely normal, but as a positive person by nature - I feel like I'd let people down by admitting it. So kudos! If it helps, I envy YOU for even attempting to tackle 26.2!

Meg {henninglove} said...

i think sometimes just voicing out loud or writing down my true feelings helps me sort through them easier. like if i am depressed or feeling jealous just saying them helps me work through them. im sorry you are envious of those being able to run right now and i appreciate you keeping it real today amanda and not sugarcoating your feelings

Natalie said...

Awww I know it must be killing you...and you are right it is the perfect weather. It is completely normal to feel this way b/c you love running...don't feel bad about it. If we lived closer, I would take you out for a glass of wine or a good cup of coffee!

Ashley said...

Ok, I can't remember the last time I ran...because I don't think I ever have :-) I do wish I could run, though. I don't think it's in me.

Lisa said...

I only slightly know what you're feeling. I enjoy running but I still don't necessarily call myself a runner. I'm training for a half marathon and I would be devastated if that happened to me. It killed me enough when I had surgery earlier this year and could not run for fun, not even while training for anything. I hope your cabin fever ends soon and you can get out there and hit the pavement!!

NaNa said...

all the time sister, its hard not to be envious sometimes but thanks for sharing that nice line =D

love from the NANA girls xoxo

Chelsea Coleen said...

absolutely. we all do. probably girls more than guys i think. but i think its also SO good you recognize it and want to kick it to the curb :)

Janna Renee said...

This is totally understandable, honey bun. This is truly a test for you, and I know that you will come out of it stronger and wiser. Just remember that it's okay to be sad.

Amy Powell said...

thanks for sharing meg's post, that was great. and I'm sorry to hear of the envy you're experiencing, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having my own with different things.

thanks for being & for continuing to challenge me :) have a great day!