Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Craving Normal

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After spending five days on vacation, turned extended vacation, but not really vacation because it was filled with grieving, funeral planning, wake, funeral, and mostly crying, I'm craving normal. I've been through loss before: a great aunt, a former boyfriend, a best girl friend, and a professor. I know I can cope, get through this time, still function, and yet, I'm just wanting everything to feel normal. 

I guess I had blocked this part from my mind. The part where even little things cause you to burst into tears. The part where you simply go through the motions, but aren't really there. The part where you look fine to the people around, but inside your heart is aching. 

In real life, right now, I'm very sad. But this need to be normal again takes a lot of time. I forgot that going back to doing regular life things doesn't turn you back on to your normal self, it just forces you to be doing again, whatever doing may be. 

There's a fresh hole in my heart, to add to the other holes that have healed, but left scars. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to not randomly cry, or lay on the couch for hours, or just stare into space, but just know that even when my blog posts do go back to the happy things, I still hurt, despite my happy-go-lucky appearance. 

Until then, I'm just going to keep craving normal.

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20 comments:

jes @ twosmuppies said...

following you from the blog hop and I'm so sorry to read about losing your grandpa.

sometimes normal is the hardest thing to achieve, but when we have it... its like a breath of fresh air.

www.twosmuppies.com

Meghan said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Amanda. My heart goes out to you, and I hope normal finds you soon:) Hugs!

Jess said...

Thinking of you and hoping you find peace during this hard time. xo

Amy Powell said...

I am terribly sorry for your loos & can't imagine going through that. keep your head up & it'll get better!

sending you a big hug xoxo

Neon Blonde Runner said...

Amanda, I am SO sorry to hear about your grandfather passing......it sounds like he was an AMAZING man. Your eulogy was beautifully written, you did a great job of capturing how much you loved him.

Thinking of you!!

Courtney B said...

Oh sweet Amanda... I am SO sorry! I understand this craving for normal again, and it will come. A new kind of normal. But until then... I am praying for you and sending hugs and love your way!

KatiePerk said...

Sweet girl. I am thinking about you!

Bonnie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My grandma left us about a year and a half ago, and I am still not over it. We were very close.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten8

Adam said...

I guess it's hard to get back to "normal" once we lose our "normal" it takes forever to redefine or revive it. Best wishes that you find normal soon.

Nilda said...

Found you from the blog hop. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is never easy and especially when it's someone like your grandpa. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Melissa Enault said...

Thanks for linking up at the GFC Blog Hop today!!

Ashley {hudson's happenings} said...

:( I am so very sorry for your loss, and the emotions you are feeling right now. Wishing NORMAL returns to you soon. xo

Hilliary@Brunch and Cupcakes said...

Thinking of you during this hard time, stay strong!

AlliFerg said...

You are amazing! Keep your chin up and your Grandpa in your heart :)

Krista said...

Praying for you Amanda. Hope each day of acting normal brings a little more "normal" feeling to your hurting heart. I know it's hard, thankfully you have a lot of people supporting you.

Natalie said...

It's totally ok to feel this way...you have to grieve....sending you hugs....

Maria at inredningsvis.se said...

Im so sorry about your loss.
Ive lost my mother 4 years ago and she were my best friend ever. But I know she wanted me to be happy so I working on that every day.
Its a gift to be alive and Its our own choice if we give it away, or if we keep it as a treasure.

LOVE Maria

Elle Sees said...

it will get better. it still feels weird going back home and not stopping by to see my great-granny, like i'd done monthly since 1996.
sometimes i will look at her picture and smile, or sometimes her wedding ring (which was her mother's) will make me burst into tears. but i take comfort in that she is so happy and peaceful.

Carrie {Living It Up in U.P.} said...

I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need to grieve. I think that's the best thing for people to do, give themselves time to feel sad. There's not set amount of time that is normal to grieve. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Amanda! Y'all are in my prayers! Let me know if I can do anything!!