After spending five days on vacation, turned extended vacation, but not really vacation because it was filled with grieving, funeral planning, wake, funeral, and mostly crying, I'm craving normal. I've been through loss before: a great aunt, a former boyfriend, a best girl friend, and a professor. I know I can cope, get through this time, still function, and yet, I'm just wanting everything to feel normal.
I guess I had blocked this part from my mind. The part where even little things cause you to burst into tears. The part where you simply go through the motions, but aren't really there. The part where you look fine to the people around, but inside your heart is aching.
In real life, right now, I'm very sad. But this need to be normal again takes a lot of time. I forgot that going back to doing regular life things doesn't turn you back on to your normal self, it just forces you to be doing again, whatever doing may be.
There's a fresh hole in my heart, to add to the other holes that have healed, but left scars. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to not randomly cry, or lay on the couch for hours, or just stare into space, but just know that even when my blog posts do go back to the happy things, I still hurt, despite my happy-go-lucky appearance.
Until then, I'm just going to keep craving normal.