Day 25: I Understand. You are strong. {Every Day May}

When you've experienced a lot of loss before the age of 25, people look at you differently. Many people assume that's why I'm so mature for my age. I think I'm just a little old soul with a young spirit.  A lot of people give the puppy dog eyes of pity about how I'm such a poor thing for having to go through so much. And then there's the most common of all, being told how strong I am. That word, strong, gets thrown around a lot. But I don't really know what it actually means or how to define it. So I usually smile, say thank you then change the subject. 

Today's assignment is to share something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad). I'm actually going to share a story about something that was said, not directly about me, but that will always stick with me. 

It was few weeks after my former boyfriend had passed away. The funeral had come and gone, yet I still struggled to get out of bed and function like a normal person. I couldn't help but start to think of myself as B.M.D. and A.M.D. (before and after Matt died). In less than ten minutes of finding out the news of his passing, I was no longer the same person. The perfectionist honors student at a prestigious school didn't care. What was the point of it all when people were the ones who mattered the  most, not school, not grades. So I couldn't bring myself to go back to class. 

Then one of my professors asked me to come meet him. He'd been inquiring about when I'd come back to class and how to get me on track to complete the course for the semester. And all I could think was how it didn't matter. But I decided to meet with him anyways. 


I can still remember sitting across the desk from him having a life conversation, not just a chat about the importance of his course. We made small talk, and he showed genuine concern for me. Having already spent time with me, he knew that my type-a personality would not do well with taking the semester off. We discussed loss in general. Slightly annoyed by his puppy dog eyes of pity and sadness, he said something that finally made me feel okay for a moment. He said that in his fifty-something years in life, he'd never experienced a loss like I had. (I was twenty at the time.) He couldn't even begin to comprehend it. And for the first time since Matt's death, I felt a little better. 

It's instinct for people to simply say "it's okay, I understand" when trying to comfort you, but that's a lie. No two losses are the same. No two people will experience death the same way. No two deaths are the same. You. Don't. Understand. The way I've grieved with each loss has been so different. But the fact that he didn't feign that he understood gave my life a little light. 

He ended up encouraging me to come back to class. His little push brought me back to his and all my other classes that semester. I didn't fail any of my courses, nor did I have to repeat the semester. Life went on. 

I'll never forget that conversation in his office on a cold, fall morning. I'll never forget how he didn't try to understand or claim to understand. I'll always remember his genuine concern for me, not just as a professor, but as a friend. I'm eternally grateful for that, and I'll never forget it.

Day 24: The Worst of Me {Every Day May}

Taken last August by my friend Sarah

I hate today's assignment. I don't hate a lot of things, but I hate today's. I'm already hypercritical of myself, but then to have to sit down and share the top three worst traits about me...well that just sucks. I asked M the other night about what he thought my top three were, one of which happened to be my ADD. He hadn't read that blog post yet though. So here goes...

I'm emotional. I try to justify this as me being super passionate and full of life, but in reality, I'm a simply an emotional person. I cry at anything, happy or sad. I get upset over the silliest things (although this has gotten better), and I just seem to feel too much, at least by society's standards. Everything that I don't like about myself though, I try to justify. And I like to think that, in reality, I'm just passionate.

I'm bad at finishing things. I have a lot of unfinished projects. It's kind of a weird trait to list. But I have a tendency of starting things, or even planning to start things, and then not following through. I don't have this issue in the office, but in my own little world, including this blog, I'm not good at it. I have a list of things that I want to do, but haven't been done. This mostly pertains though to my writing. I'm not where I should be with my writing. And I could say that giving up writing my blog every day to write would be great for me, but I'm struggling to finish out these 31 days of blogging.

I'm too hard on myself. Whether it's how I look, making a mistake or forgetting to do something, I tend to get overly upset about it. Then I give myself a mental beating about it. I guess this ties back to my emotional trait, but I do this a lot. No one really sees or knows this about me, but I do it all the time. All. The. Time. And I think that it's just something I'll have to work on by myself. No matter how much encouraging that someone might give or reassurance that it's okay, I'm still going to be hard on myself.

And that's all I have to say about that.

We're off for the weekend for M's parents to finally meet my parents. I think it's about time since we live together and have dated for almost 2.5 years. Have a great weekend friends!

P.S. I'll still be keeping up with the Every Day May thing.

Day 23: School Won't Teach You About... {Every Day May}

I took this photo outside the library a couple months ago.

I really like today's assignment, despite the fact that so much isn't taught in school, but can be taught while at school. Does that make sense? Day 23: Things you've learned that school won't teach you. As I fell asleep last night the format and all of the things that school didn't teach me in life came trickling in, so here goes!

School won't teach you...

...about how friends come into your life for three different things: a reason, a season or a lifetime. If you're lucky, you'll have a handful of lifetime friends and they're ones you'll love with all your life. Unfortunately, the reason and season friends hurt more than you could imagine. In the end, it's helpful to define them, be hurt or sad, but then move on.

...about doing what's best for you. Sometimes you need to take action, including saying no even if you feel guilty. Or breaking up with someone who isn't good to you even if it feels wrong at the time. Or about just feeding your body and soul with things that you love. Seriously, that's doing what's best for you.

...about loss. It won't teach you about what happens when a loved one leaves this world. It won't teach you about what it feels like when the Universe pulls the carpet out from under your feet, so that you hit the floor really hard. It won't teach you about what it feels like when your heart breaks so much that it hurts to breath. It won't teach you about how months and years later that same familiar ache can come back in an instant, without warning, and bring you flying back to the moments when you first felt it.

...about how strong you can be. It won't teach you about how God gives us things because we're strong enough to handle them. It won't teach you about the strength that is inside you that all you truly understand.

...about love, true love. It won't teach you about what it's like to be in love. It won't teach you about the inexplainable butterflies that appear when you're with that person that completes you. It won't teach you about how letting yourself go and giving your heart up completely can make you happier than you ever imagined.

I think that's enough of a list. I could go on and on and on about how much school didn't teach me. But I will say that school is one of the best things that could have ever happend to a girl who loves to learn. And I will say that I am eternally grateful for my parents who supported me throughout all sixteen years of being in school and how going to Syracuse was one of those things that I'll never be able to say thank you enough for.

What do you think school doesn't teach you?

Day 22: A Rant about Nachos {Every Day May}

Jenni says to have a rant today, and so, I'm here to rant. Before last night, I had no clue what to rant about (I'm not really a rant and roar kind of person), but then I had dinner with my BFF and it came to me!

Why is it so hard for restaurants to make a good tray of nachos? I really don't think that it's all that hard considering you just smother tortilla chips with cheese. It should be shredded cheese, not the fake stuff. And it should be fully melted, not half melted. It also should have some fresh fixings and be hot out of the oven when you place it in front of me...

The problem is that it's been quite difficult to find a really good plate of nachos. Since my BFF and I first became friends, we had our go-to dinner (or lunch) dates at Thataway's. It was a restaurant in our town that served amazing nachos. A massive platter of cheese-smother nachos. Because we always ordered the same thing, I'd place the order of nachos, extra-hot, extra-cheese with the fixings on the side and a serving of their chicken tenders. It was consistent, delicious, always satisfying. Then the worst happened: they closed shop after twenty-something years.

Since then, we've hit their sister restaurant up for nachos, although it's still not quite the same, especially since they don't have outdoor seating. So last night, we figured we'd venture elsewhere to find someplace that seats outdoors, but more importantly, has nachos. Let's just say this first-attempt at a new restaurant was a big, fat fail. There was barely any cheese, barely melted and some of the cheese was fake. Not my idea of a good plate of nachos. We ended up leaving and going some place else for mozzarella sticks and a second beer. This place was much more satisfying.

Until next time, the hunt for a great platter of nachos continues...

Day 21: Posts of the Past {Every Day May}

Today, we're supposed to share some of our favorite posts from the past, so here goes...

The beginning of M and I's love story...

A favorite poem I wrote that I shared in a dark moment of mine...

On how I struggle with finding a happy medium in my life...

Announcing that I landed a dream job...

Happy reading!